Creating your Ideal Relationship
Not long ago I re-discovered this journal entry (see photo) I wrote nearly 7 years ago. Upon reading it again after years of forgetting that I still had it tucked away somewhere, I burst into tears of gratitude and appreciation. It has been 4 years, 3 months and 11 days since I met the man of my dreams. I could not believe that I actually created and manifested word for word everything I had written 7 years ago, and I mean every single desire was met FAR AND BEYOND what I could even imagine at that lowly and lonely time in my life 7 years ago.
I was in a BAD place! My "start up" business (and businesses...I am a serial entrepreneur) were getting me in major debt (did I mention I was already in debt before that?) and not launching fast enough to get me out of trouble. I was forced to move out of my home and find a place I could afford, which meant moving in with room-mates, not something I felt good about at my age; although living in San Francisco it's not that uncommon at any age due to the cost of living. It doesn't matter though, I had a lot of pride for someone who was making so many decisions that were not even close to my highest good. I was just getting out of a 5 year relationship that was going absolutely nowhere and I was beginning to come to the conclusion that my life was too much of a mess and that I was undeserving of a good man or relationship because I felt I had nothing special to offer except a bunch of debt. My mom had just moved to SF to be close to me because she was having major problems herself. We did not have a great relationship and she was relying on me in such a way that was overbearing, controlling and toxic. I had become small and felt like my life had no purpose or meaning. I was starting all the wrong businesses for all the wrong reasons, thinking that they would eventually save me from all the debt I compounded and all the terrible decisions and big mistakes I made because I was determined to "go solo" and prove to the world that I could do it alone....WHY?? , you ask.
My natal chart will tell you (and I can confirm) that I had no support growing up and never felt worthy of even having my own base survival needs met because there were times in my life, as well as my brother's life when I was left alone for exuberantly long amounts of time at an age when I was too helpless to care for my own needs. There were times I actually thought I was going to die. This is where my overwhelming urge to prove to everyone that I can "do it alone" came from. My whole life up until recently was spent alone, lonely and in scarcity mode, feeling that my reason for being here was to make everyone else feel better. I carried those wounds straight from the crib right out into the world with me until they created such a Hell that the only place left to look was inside. Not only that, but my parents were each coming to me with their marital problems as early on in my life as I can remember. I felt responsible for them and had no sense of self or and felt there was no room for my own needs and desires. In fact I felt that if I didn't have any needs or desires and just kept everyone else happy that I would prevent being left alone again. I spent my life up until recently carrying a deep fear of being alone and I have exerted endless amounts of energy pleasing people so that would not happen again.
How was I ever going to come to love myself? I had no idea how to even start. I didn't trust myself to make good decisions anymore...those wounds were so deep that I had fallen prey to my own beliefs I developed so early on that I didn't even know I had those beliefs much less why I had those beliefs. I felt scared of life ALL THE TIME. I created my own mental and emotional prison. I became my own victim and my own perpetrator. I felt trapped and was relying too much on alcohol to cope with all these problems. My world was closing in on me and I felt paralyzed. I knew I needed a massive change in my life because the only reason I still wanted to live was for my Dog, Oscar!
I wanted help to straighten my life out but didn't really know how or where to start. I had a friend who was in AA at the time and encouraged me to join him to the meetings. I was shocked at how much I identified with with people in the program, not just about alcohol but the feeling of being alone in life and full of fear, no confidence, zero self esteem and most of all...POWERLESS.
I got involved with and became friends with other women in the program and starting using the 12 steps to take responsibility for my life. I became familiar with the "Law of Attraction" and "The Daily OM " and I started taking some of their online courses and going to seminars. I went to the Zen Center every week and learned to practice meditation and chanting. I was even dabbling in white magic. I tried and practiced anything that resonated with me. I read books on philosophy, spirituality, energy... anything but the religion I grew up with! The religion of guilt and shame had it's evil grip on me and I needed to break free. I felt like a victim, like I was different from other people, like I was missing the secret to having a happy, loving, purposeful and prosperous life.
I had to face myself and take responsibility for creating this life that I was so ashamed of if I was going to turn this ship around.. I had put so much effort into hiding this part of me that I had created an image of myself that was a lie. I was so deceptive that I actually deceived myself into believing the lies. Most people had no idea what was going on inside of me and I felt like a fraud. I realized what a victim and prisoner I had become to my own self limiting beliefs. I wanted more than ever to love myself and yet I was so scared to discover the truth inside of me, but i had nothing to lose anymore, I was at my bottom and it was time to surrender to the universe and let go of ego, pride and even my own will. It was time to start healing myself from the inside out. Just making the decision was transformational...
NOW my life was starting to change for the better and I was gaining more hope and understanding of how I had created a life of HELL for myself by never healing what needed healing in me. I was reaching to people instead of isolating myself. I was now healing and I was beginning to truly love myself, to honor myself and take care of myself. I finally started following my passions and my gifts instead of rejecting them for something that I thought would make money. I was listening to my authentic self and I finally started a business in the healing arts. I had been resisting this for years because of my ego and my pride but as soon as I surrendered and started following my intuition instead of resisting it, things took off. I was blessed with angels going before me and paving the path before me. What some would call "good luck" I would call being in alignment with the divine within me. When this happens, everything just flows...windows close and doors fly open!
My business took off from day one and never stopped. I attracted amazing clients whom I loved and who reflected back to me things I desired in life both internally and externally. My money stuff was getting much better (although the onion was still peeling) and I was living again. I was more joyful, more peaceful, more confident and felt much more of a purpose in life. I had a very special couple as my clients who came to me every week for 5 years. I was and still am very fond of them and now they have become dear and close friends. They were a perfect model before me of what I so desired, not just on the outside but also on the inside. They have the life, the money, the relationship I so desire. They also have the peace, love, joy and beauty in their hearts. They live life to the fullest and they have both been through what I've been through and they continue to do their inner work together. They are compassionate, kind, and as real as you can get. They give so much of themselves just to help people become better people. I wanted all of this and it was living in front of my very eyes to the point I could taste it for myself. I remember the day the husband met my now husband for the first time, just days after I our first date and all he could say to me is "he's perfect"! I was stunned and felt like bursting into tears because my heart knew it was true. Having them in my life was huge in helping me create my ideal relationship. Never underestimate the power of the people you surround yourself with and their influence in your life. That's why its important that you are selective about who you spend your time with. I would like to emphasize that if you have someone come into your life who has everything you want, do not be envious. Embrace with all your heart because the universe has given you a gift and a message that all your desires are just around the corner.
One of the tools I used and still use to change my life was and is to identify and write down what I really want in life and relationships. I was previously living my life thinking about what I didn't want and that was exactly what I was creating!
Now, I turn thoughts and speech from what I don't want into what I DO want. I am able to be an observer of my thoughts and feelings and take the reigns of my mind to change those negatives thoughts into positive ones. I now write, speak, imagine and CREATE my ideal life...
One day, I sat down to write my ideal relationship and my ideal man. I honestly thought I was asking for something impossible and felt quite silly but I figured I needed to step up and take responsibility and ownership of my desires in life if there was even a chance of attaining them. As you can see, I added the word BEING to "The Love I Dream of...." because I read somewhere to ask to be the person you want to create in your life because that is the only way to create what you want.
My husband and this relationship makes what I wrote look like a drop of water in the ocean of love. Far and Beyond my wildest imagination; this man, my soul mate has exceeded all my desires times a million. I am so blessed and my life is so rich with love, support, beauty and fun that I am eternally grateful for all the inner-work I did to be able to manifest such an amazing person into my life. Attaining your desires in life is PRICELESS.
The truth is, we have all been victimized in this life in some shape or form but the bigger, more important truth is that the wounds we carry around and fall victim to are actually blessings so that we could realize the power inside to let go of victim mentality lest it continue to create a life of loneliness and scarcity and fear. It's scary to start but its not nearly as scary as what we've built it up to be in our minds. We control our life with our minds and our hearts. We spend our life looking for happiness and love in external places that are only temporary anyway. When we look for the Diamond inside, we find infinite joy, peace, love, wisdom and prosperity.
We are not alone and we are not meant to be alone. We need to embrace humanity as our family of support and love and quit blaming and dividing each other. Forgive yourself, forgive everyone and everything with the understanding that we all came here to experience pain so that we will finally look inside and realize the power, the light and truth within us. We have the power to unchain our minds and our hearts by having the courage to face the pain and fear in order to see the deception and with just a little effort, the universe will meet you long before you think it will and will embrace you with love and pour blessings of mercy upon you just for opening your heart and having courage. That is when you will be able to see beyond the fear and pain and soon start to see your own light, your beauty, your power and your authentic higher self.
We do this by helping each other heal and overcome our own wounds.
In case you cannot read my "light" scribble, I have re-written my creation here::
The Love I Dream of ...Being
An overwhelming chemistry that burns at all levels,
spiritually, physically, Intellectually, emotionally
Tied with Unconditional love,
A mutual and extreme respect
A free Spirited love with understanding and the desire for eternal growth
Someone with whom I can expose every aspect of myself knowing he will completely adore me.
Who finds beauty in the things I do and will share them with me
who can completely express himself verbally, in action and sexually
He is successful in everything he sets out to do
Full of love and full of life
loving every inch of me
Inside and out
without control or manipulation
A free spirit who is open to many different ideas and beliefs about relationships and does not judge those ideas*
*this last line is about wanting someone who would be open to a non-traditional lifestyle, such as picking up and moving to another country on a whim; which is EXACTLY what we've done! I'm still amazed that I'm matched up with someone as crazy as I am!!!
I highly recommend putting in writing exactly what your heart desires in a relationship. Do not hold anything back!
It can be a list, it doesn't have to be written like this, I was just in a poetic mood. OH, and just so you know, it took me 3 years after writing this to bring it into reality because I had just starting my inner work when I wrote this and I had a long ways to go.
For many of you, it will happen much sooner. Read it out loud everyday and/or record yourself saying it and listen with headphones each night for 30 minutes while falling sleep to super-charge your magick through the subconscious mind.
Let us know how it goes!!!